Trauma, grief and finding reconnection
“No matter how down or low you feel, focus on even the slightest glimmer of beauty and joy you see around you in each moment and pull it into your heart. The more you draw these moments in, the more you'll be able to see and then, before long, these moments join up, they gather momentum, until you find you are happy...”
Trauma, grief, losing faith in ‘the light’ and finding reconnection - grab a cup of something warm, we’re going in… ☕️
I've been reflecting on this for sometime and thought it might be helpful to share. Having experienced the deepest grief, loss and prolonged trauma I could ever imagine, in a foreign country where being ‘myself’ as a gay person is illegal (whilst having to jump through reems of legal red tape), whilst at the same time trying to help my wife navigate and survive the same experience, only for her it was beyond any scale of grief I could ever fathom, even sitting beside her through the journey. It was, let’s just say “challenging” and shook my once unshakable faith in god (not the guy with the beard!) or goddess, the light, the Dao and my faith in the natural flow of life. So once lost, how do you find that again?
I remember being stood, in a place of no light, I’d never experienced darkness so profoundly, it felt as though 1000 candles couldn’t light up the room to usher out the darkness, god had 'left the building’. I’d ended up being a bit peed off with god to be honest, to say the least, abandoned even.
I remember after the rawness had softened quite sometime later during one meditation, gently asking god where they’d gone? Where were they when needed the most? The reply I received from the infinite quiet was a gentle and simple "open your eyes, I’m right in front of you, I’ve been here the whole time", I did, I opened my eyes and instantly saw a beautiful, bright sky, birds dancing and the unconditional love in my dog’s eyes gazing back at me. "I am everywhere". Tears flowed… they call it ‘reunion grief’.
Seeing love, beauty and the simple joy in each moment was the return home, we just have to be open to it and actively pull it into you when you see it. I remember the conversation my wife and I had where we gave ourselves permission to laugh and experience joy together again, we had to consciously open the door. Keep looking for those little moments and it will return, it’s waiting for you in the simplest of things.
A single candle can absolutely light up the darkness, we just need to be open to it. If you need to talk, get in touch.
Much love
Ruth
Feb 2022